September 12, 2013

We fear violence less than our own feelings.  Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.  ~Jim Morrison

Thursday, September 12th, ring ring….ring ring…hello?  Yes, this is she.  My results from the biopsy say what?

I have breast cancer.

Silence…………………………………………………………………………………she is talking but my mind is silent…I don’t hear what she is saying…there is silence……………….CANCER.

Yes, I can come in tomorrow to talk about it.  Yes, I can bring someone with me.  Yes.  4p, ok.

I sat for a moment.  Just me.  I am home alone.  Breathe.                       Breathe                      I need to call my mom.

My fingers are dialing but my mind is far away……  Hello, mom?  I have breast cancer.  Silence.  I was afraid to tell her.  Not because I didn’t want her to know, but because I knew it is devastating news.  Not just my life but everyone around me will be changed and different from then on.

It is a moment…a moment where I am the only one that knows.  If I don’t say it – doesn’t it make it not true, not happening???  Once it is out, the knowledge that I have breast cancer is out…then it is real….???  It doesn’t feel real.  It’s a weird thing, in my mind I understand I have breast cancer but until a moment ago I didn’t….I did, but I didn’t, you know?  It’s kinda like being pregnant…..not that pregnancy is ANYTHING LIKE having cancer but more so the idea that something is growing in you and you don’t know it until you are told…then EVERYTHING CHANGES!  you think about it constantly….it’s real, before that you didn’t know or “feel” anything…but once you know….it’s there.  You think about it every day.  I think about it every day.

My first thoughts were, I don’t need my breasts, take them…they are old, drooping, un-used and un-necessary….take them I don’t want them.  I laughed about it…I still do.  Really, take them.  My second thought was the statistic…1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer….God give this to me to save my daughters, mother, sister, step mother, and girlfriends from getting this terrible disease.

When I got that call in my heart I already knew…..my mind was in denial.  I heard Miss Saundra when I was 14.  I flashed back to the mammogram at 17.  I was just here a year ago…that fast??  it changed that fast??  Nothing from 35 to 40….so WTF?  What did I do in a year to contract breast cancer?  Of course you scare yourself into everything…go on the web and convince yourself of everything and anything terrible.  But…it doesn’t  matter…this is THE BIG “C”….(more on that later).

I’m rambling and it is late…….tomorrow I will write about Friday’s visit with the radiologist.  (remember, I hate Friday’s)

 

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “September 12, 2013

  1. susanalley says:

    Oh, my darling Kathryn, such a brave story.
    Please continue. No, you are not rambling.

  2. Romerica Mitchell says:

    How courageous it must be to realize that something like this is happening. Can’t really say I understand because it’s not me , but to be certain it takes a person with strength from within to withstand these circumstances. And no you’re not rambling your assessing the situation.
    LOVE YOU FOR YOUR STRENGTH AND DURABILITY. !!!!

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