In losing, sometimes you gain

Over the last two years I have lost so much to breast cancer.  I don’t write this in self pity or pity from others…I write this in my own self truth and acknowledgement.

I have kept tally on my wins and losses as well as Cancers wins and losses.

Let me say….. I am ahead in the game…but not by much.  I know this.  I am grateful.     But … I do realize even though I am ahead…Cancer has taken its stabs and cut deep. It is a dangerous and formidable adversary.   Ultimately, I have survived.  I am thankful….to my family and friends who have held me up, supported me, encouraged me and believed in me.  You all keep me a step ahead.  I admit, do self destructive things…knowingly.  And then I come around and get my act together and press on. I just wanted to say to those of you out there struggling to survive, to find reason to live and go on…you can do it…but there are days during and after that are hard.  It is hard to look at Cancer and know it took its toll…it got its licks in and they are there. You win, but robbed you of things you don’t want to admit to yourself or others.  Not out of shame, self pity, or embarrassment.  Just it is what it is or was what it was.  It is ok.  Take a breath, find peace.  You will.

And after all this, I know ultimately I win, I won….and yet I have lost. It reminds me that I have to keep my game face on and know the battle is always there in some form or fashion….but how I live day to day will determine how well I survive and stay one step ahead….so adjust your crown and walk away knowing you are the queen and this match, baby, this match… you are on top.

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